What does it look like to procrastinate?

Some of you may relate to it as not tackling a task you know you should be tackling, so you do everything else just to avoid that task and to top it all off, you are not really sure why you don’t want to tackle the task! It just feels hard.

Whilst procrastinating is not unusual and most of us do this, we need to be mindful that if we procrastinate to such a degree that we are really not getting things done, then perhaps it is time to use your awareness of the situation and start breaking things down into very tiny little parts.

For some, and this may apply to children and teens too, the skill of organising yourself and therefore potentially being a more efficient worker, may be lacking. However, there are other reasons this may be the case, and I am sure you can identify some of them for yourself.

So, what can we do about it.
 
The very first thing to know, is that it is in the doing of something, that motivation then follows.

With most things, the first step is to acknowledge that you are indeed putting things off, delaying things or distracting yourself.
To help get yourself more organised, try putting a list together of all the things you have to tackle.  If you only have one thing to tackle, are you able to break that one task down even further.  The aim is to start with one small thing, one small step.

Ideally starting with the task you are putting off the most, will help relieve some of the feelings around doing that task. 
Of course, if you are full of anxiety or dread around doing this first task, you may need to remind yourself that you have tackled tasks like this before, it may not have looked exactly the same however, you have still managed. 

What skills did you use then? 
How did you get through that task? 

You may have recognised that at that time, you had a definite deadline and you worked better having this deadline.  Or perhaps you realised that you focused on one particular area of the task first which then gave you confidence to do the rest of the task.

Once you know what you want to start with, you could set yourself a timer for this first step.
Once you have done this, cross it off, take it off your plate and set your next step.
I often find that I need little breaks in between my tasks just to refresh and find myself coming back a little more creative and energised.
​
I also find that setting a goal of completing something by a certain time is helpful. 
 
“Unfortunately, you’re wrong. Motivation does not come first, action does! You have to prime the pump. Then you will begin to get motivated, and the fluids will flow spontaneously.”
― David D. Burns

Hiding from the world?
What does your avoidance look like?

“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we created avoiding pain, is avoidable." R.D. Laing

I think it is probably fair to say that one time or another in our lives, we have avoided something. Whether that is attending a social event, avoiding contact with an animal, avoided going to the shops or avoided a friend.

Ever thought why we might choose to do this?

Well, sometimes it is because we really just do not want to interact with that person on that occasion, or perhaps we want to avoid the shops during times when there are a lot of people.

But sometimes we avoid because we do not want to feel fear or any kind of distress. Fear of the ‘what if’s.' What if, I walk into the room and people stare at me. What if I make a mistake. What if that cat scratches me like the one before did. And fear of feeling the distress we may have felt on a previous occasion.

Now what if you took a moment and tried to remember a time when you were supported whilst doing something difficult.

Did it give you a little bit of courage, knowing you were supported whilst doing the difficult thing?
Did you feel slightly more confident to do it again perhaps or did you feel hopeful that you might get to experience things rather than avoid them?

When we 'practice avoidance, we are essentially teaching our brains over time, that in order to keep ourselves safe, we need to be avoiding difficult things.
Whilst this may seem great in the short term, the long-term effect is that it slowly but surely brings our ‘life bubble’ closer and closer and in turn, can make our world view and life experiences very limited.

So, let's go back to that hopeful, more confident, supported and encouraged version.

What would it take, to move you in the direction of facing your avoidance? What tiny step, with support, would you take in spite of your fear?
How can you encourage yourself to move through your fears and what if’s in a gentle, compassionate way, just as if you were supporting and encouraging a friend or loved one to move through their fear?

How can you physically MOVE your body THROUGH the experience, knowing we may feel some fear and trying it anyway?  In most instances, the only thing we can be certain we can control, despite being difficult sometimes, is where to put our focus.  And in the moment, you are okay, you are safe, you are courageous and you are taking the next tiny brave step.  The next time you are in the same situation, you can remind yourself that you got through it and can do it again for a while.  Perhaps when you are ready, you then try the next tiny step. 

This way you are letting your wonderful brain know that you are just fine, and that it does not need to go into overdrive to protect you, because you are safe.
 
Some of you may be thinking, how you stay in the situation whilst you feel anxious?  Good question.
 
Here are some things you can take control of right now, to support yourself in increasing how much distress you can tolerate. This is where your empowerment strengthens as you learn to stay in the moment, in spite of your distress:
 

• Reminding yourself that you can use the plan you have put in place.  For example:  The next time I am in distress, I can…
• STOP method – stop, take a breath/step back, observe, proceed slowly and mindfully.
• Slow your breathing, give yourself a butterfly hug and notice your thoughts while you do this.  You get to change your thoughts to ‘I have got this,’ ‘Just one more step,’ I am safe,’ I am feeling anxious, but I also know, I can do this.’
• Telling yourself ‘I can stay with this feeling and still be okay’, ‘I can wait for it to pass, knowing it will pass.’
• Improve just one thing in the moment.  It might be slowing a fast breath to a slower one, it might be opening your eyes to focus on something you can see externally, or it may be sitting up taller and lifting your head.

Remember, practice makes progress, so keep at it, try different things until you find what works for you, whilst breaking free from the avoidance trap.
 
“If you pay attention, you may find that it is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable, so you avoid doing the thing that will evoke fear and other disquieting emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you less afraid.” - Harriet Lerner
 
​

Ever wondered why words can have such an effect on us?

How would you use your words to encourage a friend or family member you love?

What words would you use that might empower them in their situation or decision making?

What words would help to set them up for just enough belief in themselves that they catch a glimpse of their desired future success?

The very same applies to yourself.
Imagine for a moment, that you needed uplifting, reminders of your strengths, encouragement or belief in your ability and nobody was around to encourage you.
​
While it is great and sometimes extremely helpful to receive support from others, we set ourselves up for success in the most empowering way, if we can put in place a practice of being our very own self encourager.

Those words we love to hear, those words we love to use to encourage others, we now get to use them to help support ourselves.  When someone believes in you and shows that belief, something alters in our minds and bodies.  We start to believe we can.  We have hope and we start to visualise possibility. Imagine giving yourself this gift every day.

For example:

• (name), you’ve got this! 
• You have been very successful in doing this before so I know you can do it again. 
• Remember (name), it’s okay to take some time to adjust.  It’s okay to take it one step at a time. 
• Oh yes (name), remember that time when things did not work out, but somehow you got through it, how did you do that? 
• I remember that time when you were so confident, what will get you just a little closer to that level?

I encourage you to be your best supportive friend, your own cheerleader, your own nurturer and reap the rewards of fulfillment because you get to feel your worth and there is much value in that.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
-Mother Teresa-

Some say that a change feels as good as a holiday.

That’s because you are likely having a break from the mundane of the days and weeks or the go, go, go of the schedule. As a result, this break can give you relief or energy or creativity, depending on what you are changing from.
​
You may still be carrying some of the fast-paced habits from before the change or you may not want to be doing another thing! This can look different for everyone.

It may be helpful to remind yourself, that being in a phase of change or transition, may take an initial adjustment period for you to settle into the 'difference' and tweak things in such a way that it enhances your appreciation of that change period.

Perhaps with this reminder, you get to take that pause and just be in the moment of where you are for a little while, until you are able to step into the change, having let go just enough to be able to see things from a new perspective.
​
“A one day holiday can at times be better than a one week vacation if you totally unplug for that one day!” – Catherine Pulsifer
#selfcare #change

 
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
— SHARON SALZBERG
 
 
Before you come with me for a moment to explore what self-worth looks like, ask yourself these questions.

What would it mean to you to feel worthy, of value?

If you were to dream just a little and you felt that you, were good enough, what would you be doing differently?
  
But what if you don’t know you that you lack self-worth, but are constantly seeking approval, pursuing the next best thing, trying to fit into a mould that looks like perfection, relying on others to boost the way you see yourself and then placing value on their opinions of you.  This is when you may want to explore how placing value on yourself as the wonderful human you are, who belongs in this world right now, right here, can greatly impact your life. When others tell us we are not worthy or make us feel we are not worthy, we can be drawn into believing it and yet we have every right to be here in this world, to be loved, to be cared for to be contributing, to belong. 
  
Being alive, breathing, being human is something we all experience.  We have come into this world, we are worthy.

• We are human, we go through difficult times, we expect this as this is what living looks like, but we also explore, restart, experience joy and growth. 


• We are human, we criticize, we compare, we shame, we shout, but we also rejoice, we thrive, we love, we share, we connect.


• We are human, we make mistakes, we try to be perfect, we let ego interfere, we hide, we bully, but we also practice to make progress, we listen, we encourage, we support others.


• We are human, we are trying all the time, throughout our lives, to stay alive, to live, to experience and to be some kind of version of ourselves we think we should be.

 
Being on a journey where you begin to leave all the comparisons, the unkind self-talk, the self-criticism, the unhealthy behaviours, the shame, the placing value on things that pile up around you that hold little to no real fulfilment, you begin to discover what that pocket of authenticity feels like for that best version of yourself, that is when you begin the journey to self-worth.
 
In moments when you feel that pang of rejection or blame or humiliation, are you in tune with your awareness of these initial feelings and reactions in a way that supports your self-worth?  In other words, acknowledging them and reminding yourself that you deserve love, care and kindness and that it starts with you.  Question your reaction, be curious about it and if you are still using words that do not build you up, just as you would build someone else up in the moment, then reword, reframe, reset.    
​Why, because you are human, you are constantly learning and feeling and adjusting.   
 
If you are to blame for instance, forgive yourself – you are not perfect, and you shouldn’t strive to be as it is not sustainable to do so.  Own your imperfections but them celebrate your courage to do that or to have the conversations.  Celebrate even the smallest of your wins.  This is such an important part of building on your new way of thinking and practice.
 
Having your very own catch phrases can be so helpful.  For example: ‘I may not be able to do this, but it is okay because I haven’t done it before – practice makes progress’.
‘I am scared, but that is okay I will still do it until I come out the other side of fear.’
 
Accept your ‘everythingness’ by supporting yourself just like you would support and be kind to friends.  Being a supportive inner voice for yourself can be so nurturing and comforting.  Focusing on hope filled conversations with yourself, not fear filled.  Undoing any habits of negative self talk, that have been formed over the years, by changing how you speak to yourself sends your brain a message of encouragement and excitement.  Slowly but surely, with your persistence and practice, this will become the new pathway your brain automatically jumps to.
 
We are humans, we are complex, we are intriguing, we are confusing but we are absolutely doing the very best we can for now.  And we will do it all over again tomorrow.
 
Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
— LOUISE HAY

​Ooh, what does that mean?
Ever found yourself in a situation where things are happening in your relationship and your friends, family or colleagues relay their surprise, concern, shock or even judgement to you and you just do not understand what they are talking about? Infact, you defend your relationship.

BUT, somewhere in your gut, your being, your very essence, you know, you too, have doubt about what is taking place in your relationship to some degree or another. You are choosing at that point in your life, not to remove the rose coloured glasses as you are used to them and you quite like the fit, despite the fact they are rather heavy to wear. You may even be worried that you may not find another pair, so for now, you persist.

Sometimes it can feel like you are going against your value of seeking out happiness, of being positive, of finding the good in people and so you try to see it again and again. But there also comes a time when that feeling in your gut, you have had for so long, starts to strengthen, to become more pronounced.

• What if you could slowly, carefully and with support, remove your rose coloured glasses in such a way that bit by bit, a new picture emerges?
• What if for a while you placed the glasses aside and viewed things without any 'tinting'. Instead viewing the crystal-clear vision that is in front of you? Noticing the bits that tug at that feeling in your gut and focusing on the parts that pull you away from the happiness and joy you know you deserve and want.

Even though you choose to remove the glasses and focus on the 'negatives' of the relationship for now, does not make you a bad person. By doing this, you are exercising your right to question the impact of this relationship has on your values, on what is important and meaningful to you.

​You are allowing yourself to get a taste of what you might want instead. You give yourself the opportunity to choose what is right for you, what boundaries to put in place, whether to have difficult conversations or whether to implement the change that brings you one step closer to your preferred outcome.

#1800respect #patriciagilescentrefornonviolence

 
“An empty lantern provides no light.  Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly.” - Unknown
 
If someone said to you, there is a practice, that you can do right now, that could improve your mental health, your attitude, your relationships, your outlook on life, your perspective, your behaviours, your understanding of yourself, your emotional responses, your approach to situations and your suffering, would you be even just a little curious as to what that was?
 
Right now, in this moment, allow yourself to at least explore the possibility that this statement may be true.
 
“Remember you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise L Hay
 
I love the above quote - let’s do more of what is working, let’s do something different!
 
 So what is self compassion?
What it isn’t, is just some popular word bouncing around, it is a real and really beneficial skill.  Maybe you can relate to this, but for me it is about the following:
​

• First and foremost, it is something that takes practice and repeating.
• It is the ability to show myself self-care and therefore showing myself the respect and love I need, to be able to navigate through all that life has in store for me.
• It is understanding that I am someone who makes mistakes and I try to look at this with curiosity rather than any guilt or harsh criticism.  Granting myself that same forgiveness I might give someone else, instead this time I forgive myself for the error and I do it differently next time.  “One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn't exist.....Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist”― Stephen Hawking  
• It is the ability that I have, in understanding myself a little more and then acting on things in a way that shows inward kindness and care.  Going forward in a way that connects me to the version of myself I value most.
• It is celebrating my achievements.  Knowing what an achievement looks like to me. It can be the smallest of successes and not necessarily the huge gains or accomplishments.  Taking these and acknowledging them in a way that shows that I am proud of the way I handled that, or worked hard on that, or changed that or even thought about that.
• It is acknowledging that encouraging words and ways are the things that energise and comfort me.
• It is the ability to be flexible just enough, so that I open my mind to learn something new about myself and respond to that knowledge without judgement or criticism.
• It is asking for help when I need it, because in that moment, I have acknowledged, that what is best for me in this situation, is support.
• It is accepting that in this moment, I am okay.  In this moment, I am doing the best I can.  In this moment right now, I am human and worthy of forgiveness and capable of change.
• It is seeking out moments, people, situations and opportunities to be grateful for, recognising them in my life and reminding myself of these when my negative and unrealistic thoughts are taking me captive.
• It is using language that builds up, nurtures, encourages, and inspires me to continue, to grow or to heal.

 
All in all, showing and practicing self compassion regularly, shifts our focus and before long, we start to look out for things we are grateful for, willing to learn, ways to enhance our self care. 
It creates a space for us to always come back to, a space that is free from judgement, instead it’s a space of calm, safety and autonomy.  A space we get to feel empowered every day, a space we get to take the lead and enhance little by little and step by step.

“Plant seeds of happiness, hope, success, and love; it will come back to you in abundance.  This is the law of nature” – Steve Maraboli

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.”— Gerard Manley Hopkins
 
Thanks to the Cambridge Dictionary a boundary can be described as the following:
 The limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behaviour:
Try to show love while respecting each other's boundaries.
Set a boundary 
We set firm boundaries, and if the children cross them there are consequences.
 
Imagine for a moment...
You are in a queue.  You can literally feel the person behind you, breathing in your neck because they are that close to you. 
In that moment, what do you need?  Well if it were me, I would NEED them to back off, take a step back, give me breathing space, stop invading my personal space. 

So, what is this boundary?
A personal boundary that I did not communicate to this person in the queue but one that I needed.  I value having a physical distance between myself and other people.  So in a way I felt this person had crossed my boundary and that annoyed me and made me feel uncomfortable.

A boundary is a limit of sorts, an expectation.  But, it can also be something flexible, a part of self care, a part of communication, a skill, and even a sensation you might feel physically.  As well as things that you may be willing to accept or at least compromise on. 

How to put in a boundary or what they are is not necessarily something we learn as a child.  Preferably yes, but not always so. 

A boundary is a life skill.  Yip, something essential for our wellbeing that we can learn, just like the skill of communicating.
In fact, setting boundaries, is a form of communicating to others effectively, what is important to you, what your values are, what you ultimately need and what you expect for yourself and expect from them as a result of knowing your boundary.

That being said, they are not always easy to put into place.  Have you ever tried to stop flicking through social media?  And before you know it you have taken up the flicking again.  

Okay, so in this instance, the ‘why’ you tried to put that boundary in is important because you clearly value your time spent elsewhere.  You made a conscious decision to stop, draw the line.  That is a good effort of you trying to draw closer to what is important to you.
Another example might be putting a boundary in at work.  Perhaps you decide that you don’t want to socialise with those you work with due to cultural reasons.  It is of importance to you, to align with your cultural values and therefore you put that boundary in for yourself.

As you can see, you can assign boundaries to different areas/categories of your life and you may discover that some boundaries are non-negotiable ones and others are a bit more flexible in nature, adjusting as the situation changes or as communication evolves.

Boundaries and balance go hand in hand.  If the scales are tipping too far in the direction that is away from what is meaningful and important for you, then perhaps there needs to be a boundary or two put in place.

Wow, what a great way of showing yourself and others, how much you respect yourself and that you are willing to consider your own self care.

There is a very helpful way in which you can set a boundary.  It is no secret that ‘I’ statements work best.  This is because you show others you are being reflective and stating how you feel and what you want. You are not blaming, calling out or insulting and so there is little room for others to get defensive.

Here are just a few examples of some 'I' statements you could use.
‘I get scared when… and I feel nervous when you…’
‘I need to just pause right now as I need time to think.’
‘I feel unappreciated when you…..’
‘Ideally, that would be something I would love to do, but right now, I just don’t have it in me.’
‘I can sense you may not be comfortable with this, are you okay for me to continue or do you need me to stop?’
‘I respect myself too much to let this continue and so I have decided to end this relationship.’
 
Think of a time when you put in a boundary. 
Could you have done it in a different way? 
Do you need to revisit it and change it?
Is that boundary still aligned with what you value, what is important to you?
Are you taking advantage of boundaries that others have put in place?

Being more aware of what you are feeling about certain situations, conversations and people, can really help you to understand what buffer you may need to put in place to help protect yourself from potential harm, be that physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, sexual or cultural harm to name a few.

The clearer the boundary, the more you communicate with others exactly what the expectation is.  When you are able to put in a boundary, it empowers you, decreases fear and can increase your confidence as you continue to align with what feels respectful to your values, your needs, your life.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
— Brené Brown
 

I am sure you know or can feel when you are out of balance, when things seem to overwhelm you, or you are more anxious or more irritable than usual or perhaps you notice you are more emotional than usual, or you are feeling more tired.   

This might be one of those times when you could be slightly off balance in one or more areas of your life. 
In other words, you may be spending too much time designated to one area or one thing or one person.  Or perhaps you are placing too much emphasis in an area of your life or focusing heavily on a particular person or project.  The result being that you start to neglect any form of self-care as well as what might be important to you.

One way or the other you just know you are not as balanced as you used to be and so you feel a lack of control and often panic.
Well for the purpose of this blog, I am curious to know, what balance looks like in your life. 

What does it feel like to you, when you are satisfied with the different domains in your life and the amount of time and energy being spent there? 

What are you doing that keeps you in this wonderful state of balance?

• Some of you might go as far as to say that you have clear boundaries in place or have let go of things that no longer serve you or drain your energy to help you achieve this balance. 
• Some of you might say that by sharing responsibilities with other supports or family members, contributes to a good dose of balance.
• Some of you might say that to prioritise tasks or meetings, socialising with friends or even family events and traditions, is important to a balanced lifestyle.
• Some of you might consistently participate in an exercise routine.
• Some of you might recognise the need to change certain things in your life like, sleep patterns, diet or habits.

 
Getting a feel for what happens to you both physically and emotionally when you more balanced, can help you to identify times when you are lacking energy, when you may need to pull back, reset, connect with others, change something (after all, change is as good as a holiday right?)

Whatever it looks like to you, having things in place that contribute to you feeling more ‘balanced’ in your life, will support you in times of stress or demand or emotional turmoil.  And it is through this effort and creation of yours, that you will always have something as your 'go to' remedy to get you through the day, week, month, year.

Just like a seesaw in motion in a playground, sometimes you will be focused on one end then the other or sometimes in between.  Spending more time with regards to work related responsibilities or task and other times you may find that more time is needed with family. 

It all comes down to being able to recognise within yourself, when you are starting to lean too far for your comfort, in a particular direction.
Once you notice the signs, remind yourself what you are grateful for and know that you can do something about it each and every time, to achieve or maintain your life’s balance.
 
“Balance is not something you find, it's something you create”
Jana Kingsford

Talk with someone, reach out and find the support that works for you. 
Do more of what is working and build on that.
​
If you or a loved one need further professional counselling support, please contact me on theresa@connectingdotscounselling.au
​You are never alone!

​CHANGE OF SEASON

I am writing this blog as I sit on a wet and windy afternoon in Perth, Australia.
Thinking about how the weather changes so often but also thinking about looking forward to the change that I know will be coming as Spring approaches.
This got me thinking about you and the different seasons in your life.

Imagine with me for a moment, that you have found yourself not quite where you would like to be in your life.  That you feel stuck or perhaps restless or maybe you feel like you want a change but are unmotivated.  This may be due to circumstances contributing to your decline in wellbeing or what life has thrown at you at this particular time.
Whatever the ‘place’ you are in, let's call this, your SEASON NOW.

Season NOW
As the name suggests, this is where you are at currently.  Your concerns, your confusion, your frustration, your grief, wanting meaning or whatever it may be for you at this time in your life.

​Season WHAT
Well, what is it that you have identified as needing to change?  Or what is it that you just know you want to change?   What do you need to be different? What would you like instead?  Where would you like to be instead?  What would you like to be doing instead?  What would you need to focus on to get what you want instead?

Season WHO 
Sometimes we need support with one thing or another and so this might be a time where you are reaching out for that support from others.  This may be your social group, your family, your work colleagues, strangers in an area of interest.  Or you know exactly how to support yourself as you have identified your strengths or skills in this particular area that you can use, because you have used them before. 

Season HOW
Now that you have who is going to support you, think about how you are going to change things.  What will you start with.  What tiny step are you going to take in the direction you want to go?  What looks and feels different when you do this? What skills are you going to draw upon that you can use here in this season?  What skill worked before, or which new skill can you use or develop?  What is important to you, that you value that will help you draw closer to what you want?

Season CHANGE
This is where you get to look at all the things you have put in place to help make the change you desire.  Using all your strengths, skills, your values, boundaries and your supports to live in this season.

Evaluate your efforts so far.

• Did the change work?
• What do you need to tweak?
• Nothing is set in stone.
• You can always change your mind.
• You can start again and try something else.
• You can continue to do what is working and build on that.

 
Remember, just like seasons of this earth, you may be in one season for longer than the others. 

Moving through different stages and different areas.  Connecting to people and activities. Try not to fight the change, but rather hold it loosely until such time you are ready to let go of it and move into the next season.  Change can take time, so be aware of this and allow yourself the space and ‘season’ to adjust to the change.  You already know that this season is not going to last forever and that alone is a hope to hold onto.

If time is not on your side and change has happened suddenly without warning, then this too is an ‘event within the season’ you are about to be in.  What you do with that change is what is important.  So, using all the things we have spoken about here already, will empower you and inspire you to grab on with both hands to get through it or to even embrace it.

Change is inevitable, so when you feel that change starting to happen, ask yourself if this is an inconvenience or an opportunity for healing, growth and discovery? 

Are you empowering yourself with knowledge, understanding and flexibility in order to embrace the change so that you give yourself the very best opportunity to not only survive but thrive in the process.
 
 “We cannot become what we need by remaining what we are.”
― John C. Maxwell

Let’s be honest, some of us would like to avoid having a difficult conversation at all costs, right?

Great, we get to avoid the uncomfortable feeling, the intense emotions, or the raised voices.  Does this action take us a step closer to getting the outcome we want? Hmmm I wonder.

However, what if, these types of conversations are not all bad?  Sure, there may still be parts we are uncomfortable with but difficult conversations can actually be a great path to growth and understanding. 

So how do we have these conversations in a way that serves us well as well as the person we are having them with?

• Check yourself to make sure that you need to be having this particular difficult conversation.  Have you considered the possibility that maybe, you can work the concern out without involving anyone else?   
• Acknowledge first if you have had a part to play in the concern and let the others know what you are willing to take responsibility for.
• Make sure to be flexible in your thinking and be open to the possibility of a different perspective.  At the very least try to be curious about what another’s perspective is or what solution they may have in mind. 
• Remember you can always ask others to explain more about a statement or idea, which indicates your interest and willingness to listen.
• Prepare for your conversation, a bit like you would do if you were playing a chess game, where you think about your game and plan your next move. 
• Keep the outcome of the conversation, in mind.  What is the purpose of this conversation?  What are you hoping to achieve or learn from this conversation?  What important details do I need to address?  Come back to these points when you feel stuck or overwhelmed by emotion. 
• Hit the pause button!  Take a breath when you need to and remind yourself of that end goal you would like. 
• Have you considered, that maybe, there is a better outcome than the one you went in with?  Being curious about all possibilities and being open to hearing these, goes a long way to finding the very best outcome.
• Using I-statements where possible relays to another person how you are feeling and helps you to express your feelings without asserting blame.  It also shows that you may be taking responsibility for how you feel.
• This next one may seem obvious, but here it is anyway.  Listen to the way the other person wants or needs to tell their story, rather than listening the way you want to hear it. 

The skill of listening is to fully understand what you are hearing and checking in with others that you in fact have understood what you have just heard.  This may even require you to ask questions before blurting out a panicked response. 

Seek to understand.  Be curious about the potential answers you might hear.  Be curious about the experience. 

Remember, unless there is an end date to adhere to, hit the pause button.  Sleep on it if you must and take time to process it in your time.  This is self-care. 

And lastly, once the conversation is over, congratulate yourself for taking that step to assert yourself, for being present, for taking a risk, voicing your concerns or any other of your amazing skills you may have used.  Then take from the experience, any points you feel provide a learning opportunity and let go of the things that you have no control over and no longer relevant.  


#conversations #listeningskills #conflict

Let's Talk Strengths
​Have you ever taken time to acknowledge just how well you may have handled a situation or perhaps commended yourself on your efforts?
​
It is not only healthy, but incredibly empowering to explore, acknowledge and appreciate your own strengths.

Remembering that what may be easy for some, can be really difficult for others.
My encouragement for you today, is to take a moment to remind yourself of all those times, where you doubted you would ever get through the situation, but 'somehow' you did.

And then ask yourself how you did that!

#strengths #capabilities #empower