Avoidance

Hiding from the world?
What does your avoidance look like?

“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we created avoiding pain, is avoidable." R.D. Laing

I think it is probably fair to say that one time or another in our lives, we have avoided something. Whether that is attending a social event, avoiding contact with an animal, avoided going to the shops or avoided a friend.

Ever thought why we might choose to do this?

Well, sometimes it is because we really just do not want to interact with that person on that occasion, or perhaps we want to avoid the shops during times when there are a lot of people.

But sometimes we avoid because we do not want to feel fear or any kind of distress. Fear of the ‘what if’s.' What if, I walk into the room and people stare at me. What if I make a mistake. What if that cat scratches me like the one before did. And fear of feeling the distress we may have felt on a previous occasion.

Now what if you took a moment and tried to remember a time when you were supported whilst doing something difficult.

Did it give you a little bit of courage, knowing you were supported whilst doing the difficult thing?
Did you feel slightly more confident to do it again perhaps or did you feel hopeful that you might get to experience things rather than avoid them?

When we 'practice avoidance, we are essentially teaching our brains over time, that in order to keep ourselves safe, we need to be avoiding difficult things.
Whilst this may seem great in the short term, the long-term effect is that it slowly but surely brings our ‘life bubble’ closer and closer and in turn, can make our world view and life experiences very limited.

So, let's go back to that hopeful, more confident, supported and encouraged version.

What would it take, to move you in the direction of facing your avoidance? What tiny step, with support, would you take in spite of your fear?
How can you encourage yourself to move through your fears and what if’s in a gentle, compassionate way, just as if you were supporting and encouraging a friend or loved one to move through their fear?

How can you physically MOVE your body THROUGH the experience, knowing we may feel some fear and trying it anyway?  In most instances, the only thing we can be certain we can control, despite being difficult sometimes, is where to put our focus.  And in the moment, you are okay, you are safe, you are courageous and you are taking the next tiny brave step.  The next time you are in the same situation, you can remind yourself that you got through it and can do it again for a while.  Perhaps when you are ready, you then try the next tiny step. 

This way you are letting your wonderful brain know that you are just fine, and that it does not need to go into overdrive to protect you, because you are safe.
 
Some of you may be thinking, how you stay in the situation whilst you feel anxious?  Good question.
 
Here are some things you can take control of right now, to support yourself in increasing how much distress you can tolerate. This is where your empowerment strengthens as you learn to stay in the moment, in spite of your distress:
 

• Reminding yourself that you can use the plan you have put in place.  For example:  The next time I am in distress, I can…
• STOP method – stop, take a breath/step back, observe, proceed slowly and mindfully.
• Slow your breathing, give yourself a butterfly hug and notice your thoughts while you do this.  You get to change your thoughts to ‘I have got this,’ ‘Just one more step,’ I am safe,’ I am feeling anxious, but I also know, I can do this.’
• Telling yourself ‘I can stay with this feeling and still be okay’, ‘I can wait for it to pass, knowing it will pass.’
• Improve just one thing in the moment.  It might be slowing a fast breath to a slower one, it might be opening your eyes to focus on something you can see externally, or it may be sitting up taller and lifting your head.

Remember, practice makes progress, so keep at it, try different things until you find what works for you, whilst breaking free from the avoidance trap.
 
“If you pay attention, you may find that it is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable, so you avoid doing the thing that will evoke fear and other disquieting emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you less afraid.” - Harriet Lerner
 
​