Boundaries

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.”— Gerard Manley Hopkins
 
Thanks to the Cambridge Dictionary a boundary can be described as the following:
 The limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behaviour:
Try to show love while respecting each other's boundaries.
Set a boundary 
We set firm boundaries, and if the children cross them there are consequences.
 
Imagine for a moment...
You are in a queue.  You can literally feel the person behind you, breathing in your neck because they are that close to you. 
In that moment, what do you need?  Well if it were me, I would NEED them to back off, take a step back, give me breathing space, stop invading my personal space. 

So, what is this boundary?
A personal boundary that I did not communicate to this person in the queue but one that I needed.  I value having a physical distance between myself and other people.  So in a way I felt this person had crossed my boundary and that annoyed me and made me feel uncomfortable.

A boundary is a limit of sorts, an expectation.  But, it can also be something flexible, a part of self care, a part of communication, a skill, and even a sensation you might feel physically.  As well as things that you may be willing to accept or at least compromise on. 

How to put in a boundary or what they are is not necessarily something we learn as a child.  Preferably yes, but not always so. 

A boundary is a life skill.  Yip, something essential for our wellbeing that we can learn, just like the skill of communicating.
In fact, setting boundaries, is a form of communicating to others effectively, what is important to you, what your values are, what you ultimately need and what you expect for yourself and expect from them as a result of knowing your boundary.

That being said, they are not always easy to put into place.  Have you ever tried to stop flicking through social media?  And before you know it you have taken up the flicking again.  

Okay, so in this instance, the ‘why’ you tried to put that boundary in is important because you clearly value your time spent elsewhere.  You made a conscious decision to stop, draw the line.  That is a good effort of you trying to draw closer to what is important to you.
Another example might be putting a boundary in at work.  Perhaps you decide that you don’t want to socialise with those you work with due to cultural reasons.  It is of importance to you, to align with your cultural values and therefore you put that boundary in for yourself.

As you can see, you can assign boundaries to different areas/categories of your life and you may discover that some boundaries are non-negotiable ones and others are a bit more flexible in nature, adjusting as the situation changes or as communication evolves.

Boundaries and balance go hand in hand.  If the scales are tipping too far in the direction that is away from what is meaningful and important for you, then perhaps there needs to be a boundary or two put in place.

Wow, what a great way of showing yourself and others, how much you respect yourself and that you are willing to consider your own self care.

There is a very helpful way in which you can set a boundary.  It is no secret that ‘I’ statements work best.  This is because you show others you are being reflective and stating how you feel and what you want. You are not blaming, calling out or insulting and so there is little room for others to get defensive.

Here are just a few examples of some 'I' statements you could use.
‘I get scared when… and I feel nervous when you…’
‘I need to just pause right now as I need time to think.’
‘I feel unappreciated when you…..’
‘Ideally, that would be something I would love to do, but right now, I just don’t have it in me.’
‘I can sense you may not be comfortable with this, are you okay for me to continue or do you need me to stop?’
‘I respect myself too much to let this continue and so I have decided to end this relationship.’
 
Think of a time when you put in a boundary. 
Could you have done it in a different way? 
Do you need to revisit it and change it?
Is that boundary still aligned with what you value, what is important to you?
Are you taking advantage of boundaries that others have put in place?

Being more aware of what you are feeling about certain situations, conversations and people, can really help you to understand what buffer you may need to put in place to help protect yourself from potential harm, be that physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, sexual or cultural harm to name a few.

The clearer the boundary, the more you communicate with others exactly what the expectation is.  When you are able to put in a boundary, it empowers you, decreases fear and can increase your confidence as you continue to align with what feels respectful to your values, your needs, your life.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
— Brené Brown