Having Difficult Conversations

Let’s be honest, some of us would like to avoid having a difficult conversation at all costs, right?

Great, we get to avoid the uncomfortable feeling, the intense emotions, or the raised voices.  Does this action take us a step closer to getting the outcome we want? Hmmm I wonder.

However, what if, these types of conversations are not all bad?  Sure, there may still be parts we are uncomfortable with but difficult conversations can actually be a great path to growth and understanding. 

So how do we have these conversations in a way that serves us well as well as the person we are having them with?

• Check yourself to make sure that you need to be having this particular difficult conversation.  Have you considered the possibility that maybe, you can work the concern out without involving anyone else?   
• Acknowledge first if you have had a part to play in the concern and let the others know what you are willing to take responsibility for.
• Make sure to be flexible in your thinking and be open to the possibility of a different perspective.  At the very least try to be curious about what another’s perspective is or what solution they may have in mind. 
• Remember you can always ask others to explain more about a statement or idea, which indicates your interest and willingness to listen.
• Prepare for your conversation, a bit like you would do if you were playing a chess game, where you think about your game and plan your next move. 
• Keep the outcome of the conversation, in mind.  What is the purpose of this conversation?  What are you hoping to achieve or learn from this conversation?  What important details do I need to address?  Come back to these points when you feel stuck or overwhelmed by emotion. 
• Hit the pause button!  Take a breath when you need to and remind yourself of that end goal you would like. 
• Have you considered, that maybe, there is a better outcome than the one you went in with?  Being curious about all possibilities and being open to hearing these, goes a long way to finding the very best outcome.
• Using I-statements where possible relays to another person how you are feeling and helps you to express your feelings without asserting blame.  It also shows that you may be taking responsibility for how you feel.
• This next one may seem obvious, but here it is anyway.  Listen to the way the other person wants or needs to tell their story, rather than listening the way you want to hear it. 

The skill of listening is to fully understand what you are hearing and checking in with others that you in fact have understood what you have just heard.  This may even require you to ask questions before blurting out a panicked response. 

Seek to understand.  Be curious about the potential answers you might hear.  Be curious about the experience. 

Remember, unless there is an end date to adhere to, hit the pause button.  Sleep on it if you must and take time to process it in your time.  This is self-care. 

And lastly, once the conversation is over, congratulate yourself for taking that step to assert yourself, for being present, for taking a risk, voicing your concerns or any other of your amazing skills you may have used.  Then take from the experience, any points you feel provide a learning opportunity and let go of the things that you have no control over and no longer relevant.  


#conversations #listeningskills #conflict